Tuesday, March 9, 2010

On Chocolate, or "The Chocolate Swizzle Stick that Broke the Mama Camel's Back"

What on earth has become of DOVE® Promises? The wrappers, which used to be printed with sweet little sayings like, 

"Go to your happy place"
"Smile, people will wonder what you're up to"

are now quoting random people that must've emailed the Mars Candy Company. Now the messages on the inside of the wrapper spew crap such as

"follow your heart, it's never wrong," or

"if you fall down seven times, get up eight."

Sorry, Dearie - I've followed my own heart several times. Most of the time it's wrong. And that last one doesn't even make sense. I fall down seven times, I get up seven times. These people can't do simple math and we are quoting them across America. What's even worse is that I've heard that they have been or soon will be putting Martha Stewart's tips inside the wrappers. What the...?!? No, I'm not cutting your little marshmallows into bunny shapes for your cocoa. Talk about a waste of time and marshmallows

I don't want to be told that I must inspire others to do their best so that they will do their best. I'm a mom. I have three teenagers. I know this already. Most of my life is already dedicated to being a living example for my children. Frankly, I'm getting really tired of being the dependable, responsible one.

What I need is a break. I need to take my "me" time every so often. Even if it is just a quick 5 minutes of silence where I go to my happy place with my two little squares of melt-in-your-mouth bliss. After I'm left with nothing but the urge to brush the sugar off my teeth and a bit of regret when I realize I probably just negated that 15-minute power walk after my lunch break, I don't want to have even more thoughts zooming through my brain that focus on how I can do yet more for everyone else around me. Call me selfish, but that doesn't exactly make my 5-minute chocolate break into "me" time.

What I really could use is a wrapper that opens up into a coupon for maid service, Martha, you are more than welcome to step in at this point and organize my home. Oh, by the way, don't forget - you will have to talk my husband into moving the over-sized sectional away from the wall because it hasn't been vaccuumed back there for about six months. I know that if I can't move that sucker, there's no way you will. Good luck with that. And after I've fallen down seven times from exhaustion after working fulltime, going to school part-time and still managing to do the grocery shopping, bill-paying, checkbook balancing and the occasional meal-cooking, I could really use a $50 coupon for a spa day to pick me back up again. Now that's what they should print on the inside of those DOVE® wrappers.


  1. I know you posted this a long time ago but my favorite fortune cookie I ever got read "You will wake up in a strange place with an empty bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine."

  2. Hmmm...Haven't had Boone's Farm in a while. It's good with frozen peaches :)


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